be still, be present, be aware

I am a total lost soul.  Again I miss the old me, the one that I cannot recreate anymore yet I am struggling to have one.  What a waste of energy to be spent...

I forget that at anytime I've to take a deep breath and listen to what is said in my head.  Be silent for a moment and digest things before act.  Only by that I can see what things need to be addressed and what's my ego talking to me.

Yet I am reacting immediately on whatever happen in life.  I should know that it will hurt myself behaving like that but somehow I keep on doing it.  As if I am clueless on how to navigate myself in this world.  I am blur with who I am.  I feel like a looser.  I forgot the purpose of my being.  And I only can see that everything wounds me easily.  That happen all the time and in some point I am surprised by how fragile I am, which I know I am not at all like that.

Of all bad words given to me, I should have see those as sands thrown into my face that the winds will blow them away.  Of all neglect and ignorance from my loved one, I should see those as learning experience of what I should not do to others.

But even when I am talking to myself now, I still don't know how to deal with my anger/ego about text messages and calls I received in the past 2 weeks.  I tried my best not to tell him but at one point yesterday I could not help it.  I just want to face this problem together, but looks like I have to do it by myself.  I am left alone now.  So what should I do?  Feeling angry, miserable, or what?

Be still my heart... be present..be present... until I know what to do :((