Being Single and Then In Relationship

Deep inside of my heart, I do believe in relationship. However with all failures in the past I tend to be bitter, sarcastic, sour, untouchable, tough, stubborn, when it comes to love-kind-of-thing. Ah it's not that I am traumatic or things like that, I am just protecting myself from doing the same mistakes again as if I do not learn anything from my very own experience.

So it was my choice to stay single within the past 5 years. A truly single with all the consequences. When my girls spend their time with their loved one, I stick with my Voldemort. When they hang out with other couples, I went in silence with my coffee and books. When they spent a full-loving-holiday, I went on adventure trip with my Voldemort (again). Ah..even I enjoy solo shopping better than with companion. There were always me and myself, or me and my Voldemort best friend.

If people say that I look like a lonely spinster then be it, I don't mind being labeled whatever people want to give. At the end of the day this is my life and I am the one who know well what it looks like being me. And trust me, that was a good and happy life :) I don't say that I never felt lonely, only God knows how often I pushed myself to get numb when the mellow mood coming.

And then after all the happy go lucky single life, there it comes...him. The man that I never thought I keep in my heart for many years and years. It's like I choose him since forever. No no no.. it's not a fairytale where the prince with shining armor rescue princess in distress (me?? in distress?? preeeettt... :p). Of course we are struggling on finding the right way to be with each other. Not to let the world forget that my life is a drama, of course he came with a baggage. A huge one. And I came with my bizarre life.

You know the most difficult part? Adjusting our expectation and living in now. Oh man that is not easy coz everybody brings along their own history. Some acceptable and some is just hell for another. Because although it should come naturally, living in the present is not an easy thing to do :)

But eventually.. finally my life has a soul, what can beat that? I am Pocahontas for Captain Smith, I am Carrie for Mr. Big. For once in my life I know the meaning of those crappy love songs, Sepotong Senja Untuk Pacarku - Seno Gumira Aji Dharma, and Kahlil Gibran.

Pocahontas had to oppose her dad to be with Smith. Carrie as well did lots of sacrifices (not selling her extensive collection of Blahnik and Jimmy Choo of course. That's too much even for Mr. Big. Viva Imelda Marcos!! :p). Me? How can I call those sacrifice when I do it with happiness? This is not business, it doesn't require equality of things we give up for each other. It is not I give 100% then he should do equally the same 100%. We are happy doing it then be it like that, no calculation matters. Just shut our mouth up.

And I want to tell the world about me, him, and us. Still too many restrictions and Grey areas now, but anyway I want to start doing it. Not to do is killing me. Life is as beautiful as before so my blog should stay the same with or without him, right? It's me documenting my life that I hope in the future I can look back, with you luv over coffee and holding hands, and laugh at it. Oh well I will be very careful not to give too many detailed information, and hope I will not embarrass him through this blog :)

So my mantra everyday is: be present..be present..be present... :D Hahaaaayyy!! :D