How I See Life - Passing Another Bar

It's still June, so I am allowed to write something about birth day.

When I said to God years ago that I wanna be with myself as much as I need, I always think this is serious. 30 is just a number to help me explain to people hahaha.. But I thought that I would give up and be like anybody else not long after I pass that secret number. Yet here I am experiencing the 'passing the bar' moment for a good 6 times :)

Enough talking about why I wanna live a life like this, I get bored even discussing again this matter with myself only. But does life get better because of my choice? Hmmm... People can have their own opinion, but I would like to see it this way: everything comes in its own cost. And life is always tough I suppose. I still see it like that until now.

I am still struggling to navigate myself in this world not only professionally but also personally. Do I really want to be here? With this organization? Why don't I try offers that came? I wanna settle down but does he really wanna be with me? What if I am just a big joke to him? Is it true that nothing worthy to fight for about me? Am I satisfied with this arrangement?

What the future will bring me is blurry. However I learned a lot, I think since the begining of this year, that in micro level I am controlling my destiny. I mean I should be the one who decide whether I am happy or not.

I know that choices that I have now are vague. I even sometimes think that I have no choice at all :) But even in the darkest days, I keep reminding my self that my reaction to whatever happen in life determine what kind of person I am. So I chose to be happy. Just like the saying, in one day I only can please one person and I chose me. I thik so far it's fair enough if the same choice keeps on repeated everyday :) I think I cannot make any single human being suround me happy if I don't start with myself. Hahahah..even to be happy needs effort.

So yes, to me life is always about survival. I am no fun woman, I am a fighter and I don't mind being one as long as life requires me to do it.

Happy birthday, Nana. Keep on fighting!! *kiss and hugs* :)

KOSONG

Pada saat-saat tertentu hati tidak bisa dibohongi, bahwa berada jauh darimu adalah sangat berat untuk dijalani. Mungkin aku tidak akan pernah bisa menjelaskan dengan baik bagaimana rasanya agar kamu mengerti.

Dan saat aku harus mengucapkan selamat tinggal, hati-hati di Jakarta, dan aku akan kembali, ada bagian dari diriku yang menjadi kosong. Ada banyak hal yang kemudian merisaukan dan membuat galau.

Ah..aku merindukanmu dengan sangat saat ini. Aku pasti akan kembali, tapi apakah kamu akan ada di sana jika saatnya tiba?

Wanna Be Like Them Someday - Month 2 in Bangkok

Before I start, I just want to make sure that early in this story means 08:30 ehehehehe... I know, our Bangkok office is very unique. I'll write about it some day. It's fun to be in this team, to be honest I am happy to be part of it. All about work hard in a more human-ish environment. Ah maybe because anyway my work has distance with them so as a loner-type-of-person I feel comfortable with it. Ayayay... I lost the attention to topic I wanted to write now :D

Okay back to main topic :p My office is very close with residential area. It's one of classic prominent residential areas in Bangkok. A little bit off the center of the city but not too far. Lots of Bangkok old-money are here. I often time try to see what's behind those tall fences and gates in the name of curiousity hehehehe...

And every early arrival to the office, just right in the corner of my Soi, I always spot them. A grandma sitting in wheel chair, and a grandpa who pushes it. They look much older than my late dad so I assume they are in their 80est.

Usually they just stay there, talking and looking at the not so busy traffic in the road. I don't know what they're talking about (I am so far away from understanding Thai, please...) but from the first day I saw, I always have some kind of envious feeling towards them.

I wanna be like them, growing old together with the one that I love. Of course life is not always sweet but look at them, they still stay together helping each other. And I think that needs a very deep feeling of friendship to be with someone that long time.

Oh my... What did I talk about just now?? This must be because of the hormones' kicking *sigh*

For You, the Master of My Ship

I adore you who make my heart pounding faster
I adore you who make the world stops except for us approaching to each other

I adore you who make me laugh
I adore you who make me speak my mind

I adore you who make me brave
I adore you who make me feel this journey is bitter so I have to put more sweets

I adore you who make me wanting
I adore you who make me be like this

I love you, is never enough to be said to you :)

Trust

How do you feel if you are not to be trusted for the rest of you life?

I am thinking about people just get released from prison. Do you know that criminal record is attached to their file? So if people care to check they'll find it written there. And the neighbors. They'll always remember the arrest if it happened in the house. At least he/she is lucky if the crime story doesn't become an urban legend. Because people are sometimes like elephant, they can remember those kind of stories for a very long time.

And the reputation. Yes, reputation. Prison or correctional facilities will never become a cure for reputation.

What if they trully change their way of life? To my opinion, being good person is easier to be done than being bad. So there's always a good chance for people to be good. But mark that we put in someone's file is poisoning. What a sad life that a criminal has to live if reputation is spoiled. Looks like this world will never give a second chance. Too sad...

Tentang Me-Time

Sampai dengan sekarang sebenarnya saya belum begitu faham dengan konsep me-time. Hmm.. kurang menghayati mungkin. Ya gimana ya, selama ini my time is always for me gituh. I mean with my single life saya merasa seluruh waktu diluar saat-saat untuk bekerja seluruhnya adalah my me-time. Artinya saya cuma menghabiskan 9-12 jam sehari untuk urusan umat manusia dan selebihnya adalah punya saya sendiri kan.

Walopun di waktu tidak bekerja itu saya menghabiskannya dengan melakukan group activities, bersama orang lain, tapi itu kan murni pilihan saya ya. Nggak ada yang memaksa saya untuk melakukan itu. Bahkan kalo saya harus menemani pacar melakukan kegiatannya yang saya nggak faham sama sekali, I considered that as my free will. Jadi ya me-time juga dengan menikmati namenin dia.

Jadi saya selalu agak takjub kalau teman-teman segerembolan siberat yang sudah berkeluarga sebegitu excited-nya dengan acara rutin ketemu-ketemu ketawa haha hihi yang kami lakukan kapan saja kalo inget itu. Being with girl friends, be it makan-makan ato memanjakan diri di salon, disebut sebagai sedikit waktu kemerdekaan. Sedikit bebas dari rutinitas. Me-time.

Hmmm... padahal saya membayangkan melakukan hal-hal bersama the loved ones itu selalu menyenangkan setelah jam-jam bekerja yang kadang-kadang terlalu panjang. Mengapa harus ada waktu sendiri saja? Padahal saya terlahir sebagai loner. Dulu diam sendiri di tengah keramaian ato tempat sepi buat saya sih asik-asik saja. Saya nggak pernah merasa terganggu ato merasa kurang cool dengan jalan sendiri ke mana-mana, makan sendirian di restoran, dll.

Tapi once I have the loved of my life, sendiri menjadi agak membuat canggung. Misalnya gini, karena kami tinggal jauhan (literally jauh banget dah) maka komunikasi intensif memang disepakati untuk dilakukan. Lebih intens daripada dulu pas masih tinggal satu kota. Thanks God for blackberry deh jadi komunikasi jadi murah.

Nah today mendadak dia menghilang dari sejak jam 3 sore sampe sekarang. Nggak ada kabar. All my bbm delivered tapi gak ada tanda-tanda dibaca sama sekali. Tadi jam 3an itu dia mau pergi nganter orang ke airport. Entah siapa yang dianter ya, kayaknya memang mendingan saya nggak tanya lebih lanjut daripada rungsing. My 3pm message sih tampak dibaca tapi ya sudah begitu saja. Pokoknya sejak itu he's gone, reachable but apparently doesn't want to be reached.

So dari sejak jam 3an tadi practically I am alone. Idealnya saya nikmati saja ya, anggap ini waktu kemerdekaan saya. Tapi entah kenapa ya kok saya merasa dipaksa untuk menikmati me-time. Terpaksa. And I don't like it at all.

Sebuah fenomena yang aneh bukan? Jadi sebenarnya apa itu me-time?

Ketika Janji Harus Dibatalkan

Pada saat kita mengucapkan sebuah janji, sebetulnya semesta menyaksikannya. Tidak hanya orang-orang yang kebetulan ada di sana baik secara tidak sengaja maupun karena memang diundang untuk menjadi saksi. Dan tertulislah janji itu di dalam buku besar jagat raya.

Hidup kemudian menyajikan berbagai macam drama, yang menyebabkan kita sampai kepada keputusan bahwa memenuhi janji itu akan merusak diri sendiri. Maka kemudian kita memutuskan untuk menarik batal yang sudah terucap. Apakah kemudian itu menjadikan kita makhluk yang tidak baik? Saya kira tidak.

Hanya memang tidak mudah karena urusannya tidak hanya mengatakan batal kepada yang kita beri janji, tetapi suka tidak suka kita harus mengumumkan kepada seluruh dunia tentang apa yang telah diputuskan. Oh tidak hanya mengumumkan, karena alam semesta merasa bahwa mereka berhak untuk menyatakan persetujuan terlebih dahulu sebelum kita boleh dan sah melakukan pembatalan. Membayangkan bahwa alam semesta bisa menganulir keputusan yang telah kita niatkan kadang membuat gentar untuk memulai. Padahal alam semesta hanya menyaksikan dan mencatat. Kita hanya memberi janji kepada satu pihak lain, tidak kepada seisi jagat raya ini. Dan kita harus membuat pembatalan hanya kepada yang kita beri janji, kemudian mengumumkan kepada dunia sehingga catatan janji yang telah dibuat dulu bisa dicoret dengan tinta merah.

Jadi mengapa yang seluruhnya itu bisa memporakporandakan keteguhan hati apabila pihak yang diberi janji sudah bersepakat dengan kita untuk melakukan pembatalan? Mengapa kita memusingkan hal-hal sekunder dan mengacaukan langkah yang seharusnya dilakukan? Apakah kita begitu takut dengan tinta merah yang akan digunakan untuk mencoret dalam buku besar jagat raya?