Anxiety Attack?

I thought it was anxiety that made me stay awake until this hour. Oh by the way it's almost 3 in the morning. So I decided to continue my packing kind of thing. Tired but still could not shut off my eyes. So.. Last attempt is to eat! Yeah.. eat, makan, khin khao :p. And my guess is correct, it's not anxiety at all, it's craving for supper, food, hunger ehehehe..

So I am full now and start to feel sleepy. Feel kinda lame :p

Putri Kecilku Yang Pintar dan Pemberani

Ini rahasia antara kita berdua ya...

Saat engkau hadir di dunia ini, aku mungkin akan kehilangan ide apa yang harus aku lakukan untukmu.  Tapi pancaran cerdas dan tengil dari matamu pasti akan membuatku tenang.  Karena kita akan melaluinya bersama bahu membahu, putriku.

Aku ingin membawamu menjelajah negeri-negeri jauh.  Ya, engkau akan menjadi petualang kecil yang pemberani.  Dan mungkin suatu saat nanti engkau akan meneruskan langkah kakimu ke tempat-tempat yang belum pernah kudatangi.  Aku ingin menunjukkan kepadamu keindahan tempat-tempat jauh itu agar engkau menghargai keindahan di tempat kelahiranmu.

Cantik.  Aku berharap tidak akan memaksamu menjadi cantik.  Aku tidak memerlukanmu tampil dengan gaun manis seperti Suri Cruise, mempunyai rambut ikal mayang, kulit sehalus sutera, atau senyum pepsoden setiap saat. Jadilah dirimu sendiri saja.  Engkau adalah putriku yang sehat dan bersemangat.  Suatu saat nanti kau akan tahu bahwa kita tidak memerlukan blush-on setiap saat ;)

Mungkin orang lain akan menganggapmu lancang, sayang.  Karena aku ingin membebaskanmu menyatakan ide apapun yang berlompatan di kepalamu.  Engkau bebas bertanya kepadaku mengapaengkau harus pergi sekolah, mengapa gadis-gadis cilik pergi berlatih balet dan anak-anak laki-laki disuruh main bola, tentang teori energi, kecepatan, mengapa pakdhe berpolitik praktis, mengapa orang percaya kepada adanya Tuhan, dan sebagainya.  Terima kasih karena engkau akan memaksaku terus belajar.

Tapi maaf ya sayang, mungkin engkau akan membenciku karena aku ingin engkau bisa mengerjakan pekerjaan domestik.  Ya, kita tidak akan punya pembantu rumah tangga.  Kamu tau kenapa?  Karena aku tidak mau dia mengajarkanmu menonton televisi berlama-lama.  Nah sekarang kau tahu betapa sederhananya cara kerja otakku :)  Oya dan aku berharap nanti kita tidak akan suka nonton sinetron :)

Aku tidak akan ada selamanya di sekitarmu, putri kecilku.  Tapi jika Tuhan sedang berbaik hati, mungkin aku akan diizinkan untuk melihatmu tumbuh menjadi perempuan dewasa yang pintar dan pemberani.

Aku membayangkan pada suatu sore yang cerah kita berdua duduk di sebuah balkon yang menghadap ke sebuah danau.  Dan kita akan berbincang mentertawakan kebodohan-kebodohan yang aku lakukan saat seusia denganmu, juga pertengkaran dan perbedaan pendapat kita di masa lalu.  Jika saat itu datang sayang, aku akan menjadi orang yang sungguh tidak rasional karena memandangmu dengan seluruh kekaguman seolah engkau adalah wanita paling hebat di dunia ini :)

Suatu saat nanti kita akan memulai petualangan kita bersama di dunia ini, putri kecilku :)

Bukan Soi/Gang Biasa

Jaman sekarang ini, seberapa baik kita mengenal tetangga satu RT?  I bet untuk orang yang lahir dan besar di Jakarta pasti masih kenal lah sama tetangga kiri kanan rumah ortu.  Apalagi kalo ortu sangat jarang pindah rumah.

Lain halnya dengan kami para pendatang.  Mungkin kami inilah yang harus disalahkan karena merusak sistem sosial peri-ketetanggaan di kota-kota besar.  Gue pikir kami yang merantau punya hambatan psikologis untuk membangun komunikasi dengan penduduk asli.  Dalam waktu lama dimana pendatang menjadi lebih banyak daripada yang asli, akhirnya kebiasaan anteng dan berhubungan seadanya itu menjadi praktek sehari-hari.

Baiklah ini tadi mau nulis apa?  Oiya memperkenalkan tetangga sayah di Ari :p

Nggak ada yang istimewa dari Soi 4.  Yah selayaknya daerah Ari, penghuni lamanya sebagian besar adalah Bangkok old money.  Rumah mereka besar-besar dengan halaman luas yang rumputnya dipotong rapi.  Pasti mahal bayar tukang kebunnya ya bok hehehe.. 

Pada suatu akhir pekan yang cerah *tsah* sayah melakukan penelusuran sebuah tempat di Soi ini.  Penasaran aja karena banyak orang menanyakan seberapa jauh rumah gue dari sebuah tempat yang rupanya cukup populer di kalangan tertentu.  Dan akhirnya gue temukanlah tempat itu:

CHAKRAN!!!  Pas beuneur di sebelah ijk punya rumah :))

Yak Chakran adalah sauna house.  Semacam apakah itu?  Gugel aja sendiri ehehehe...  Gue pikir itu tempat agak berapa jauh gitu tapi ternyata pas banget di sebelah ehehehe...  Jadi membayangkan kalo ada temen dateng dari Jakarta dan nginep di rumah.  Trus dia pergi ke Chakran gitu deh.  Kira-kira pas dia pulang bakalan gimana ya ekspresi wajah sayah yang imut ini hihihihi... 

Alive

I remember one of friends told me to have my own child to understand the meaning of child development.  He said the moment a child calls us 'mommy/daddy' is priceless and will make me alive.  And being in a family is heaven on earth because it will give me stability.  The warmth of family life will make us alive.

I guess people will point out quite many things in life that make them feel alive.  Be it family, children, husband/wife/love of their life, career achievement, challenge, social status, etc.  Hmmm maybe also money for some cases ya ;) 

I was wondering this morning when I start my day with making myself a cup of ritual hot choco, is it true those things really necessary for us to be alive?  I think we only need our heart to still beating to be called alive.  If it stops working then we will be declared dead. 

My point is, alive is a physical scientific term.  Alive is something within your body, yourself.  And your feeling should not interrupt you being alive.  Even when you feel depressed and you don't want to live anymore, what you do is to make your heart stop beating.  It is not your being sad that make you not alive, the physical action of stopping the heart beat does. 

Either you are happy or sad, you are still alive.  Feeling is overrated.

Listen to Your Heart

He may promise to be with you when the child is able to understand the situation, or when his parents approve the divorce, or when his wife is strong enough to stand alone.  When will that happen, in 5 years or so?  And after all, he cheated once betraying one woman's happily-ever-after dream.  How can that possibly be reasonable to believe his promise?

And now you are literally alone in almost all holidays and weekends.  These are family times.  Eventhough you may think you are important to him, but face it, you are not family.  They have a prior claim on his time and his loyalty.  You'll always be No. 2 and that's not fun!

And your friends and family against this relationship, because they love you and want only the best for you.  Sadly you will not be able to discuss this matter with them and most of the time he will become the only person to support and accompany.  Yet he's not always available for you.  You will always be visibly alone in front of others.  And they will wonder what's with you that you cannot find any partner.

So wake up and smell life.  Run as fast your feet allows you to go.  You deserve so much better than this two-timer.

When Over Doesn't Mean Stop

When over does not mean stop, then everything gets too complicated to be handled.  Let me give an example of job resignation.

When you say it's over boss I am leaving, that doesn't take immediate effect at all.  For most of us it means another month of doing whatever needed to be done before the last day come.  For executive position it may means another 2 or 3 months of enduring the stress of being about-to-leave :)  And since we are human and not a machine, the feeling during that period of time really get us.  Your boss may not say anything related with your resignation, but whenever you should have direct encounter with him/her, you will feel that his/her eyes give you the signal of "you betrayed me, bitch!!" *drama queen mode on*.  Or over lunch time your colleagues will constantly ask the benefit of the next job you are about to do (in front of everybody *sigh*).  I know that we don't like to discuss this things but some people seem do not understand the code of conduct at all and instead just do whatever their small brain tell them to do.  And how do you feel about that? 

Some of that feeling may true but some may only the thinking in our heads hahah.. Anyway living in the period of about-to-leave is complicated.  And since we don't have the 'skip machine' in life then we really have to live with that for the time being :))

I think it is more or less the same with personal relationship.  When we say it's over to our boyfriends usually we still call him over and over again months after that.  And that will only cause us miserable feeling.  Especially when he already move forward like having new partner or reunite with his previous partner before us.  And yet we are still thinking that he's the one.  Stupid, eh? :D

I try to understand that dealing with feeling is not a linear process.  No matter how hard we want to make our self strong and unshakable about a decision, when we come home, once a while we will broke down into tears.  And it's not about being weak, it's just a natural process before we reach the finish line.  And if one person say why spare tears for a boss who doesn't deserve to be followed or a man who doesn't make you the one, better to ask them to back off.  Because we, girls, know better how to live our life :)

Aran Bicicletta is the name

Okay, let me start introducing my Bangkok life in Aree with this coffee shop. Why it should be this first?  No particular reason I guess.... Ah off course because I adore coffee shops in Thailand ehehehe...  Thailand is heaven for coffee aficionado.  You can find local blend with good quality and internationally acclaimed good coffee in very reasonable price.

Here is the illustration: I have to pay 45 baht for local blend with a so-so quality in Jakarta while here I can have a much more high quality of local blend (from the north is good) starting from 30 baht.  According my friend Bowo, even coffee from BTS station is better than what we have in luxurious coffee shops in Jakarta.  And I can get 60 baht Illy coffee, compare to 100 baht in Jakarta.

I have in this neighborhood, Aran Bicicletta.  This is a coffee shop slash bike shop, less than 10 minutes walk from my house.  So if you are a bicycle junkie, this is your place to go.  The coffee is good, the barrista is a quiet Thai girl with good skill.  She's not a bartender, right?  So don't expect her to be chatty hahahah

It has wooden chairs and tables in both indoor and outdoor place.  If you get use to sit in a bar, you will not have any problem with the chairs.  As for me, it took me 2 visits to get use to it without feeling weirdly-about-to-fall :p  Oh ya, they usually post hippest events in Bangkok that you can come.  Like the launching of something last month that I cannot remember anymore, or the visit of DJ something which I also don't familiar with ehehehe...

I think Aran is name of the owner.  Nerdy type of man, artist look (in my opinion).  Sometimes I overheard him talking with customers so for sure I know that he speaks English well which is rare for Thais.  You can ask advise about what bike is suitable for your need and any gatherings of bicycle groups in Bangkok.  Actually I would like to have a bike for my mobility back and forth to office and maybe (just maybe) I'll buy one from here :))

Oh this small coffee shop has free wifi and lots of power plugs so you can enjoy your coffee and good company easily.  no worries if you're by yourself because somehow they have smaller corner/table available.  Nice, eh!? :) 

Notes: I am not (yet) the spoke person of this place :p

I Need Aromatherapy

Yes, that was what I thought last night when I entered the house.

I still can remember clearly during first month living in this house I was cranky a lot with the smell of Justin all over the place.  Second month was quite okay because I got used with his.  And then last night when I was about to open the door...

I was standing there holding the key and door handle.  And I had to pause myself a while because I smelled something different.  And for sure that was coming from inside my house.  Yes.... that was not the smell of Justin!!!  That was me, I am officially own the unit now! 

But to be honest, I don't quite like it hahahah..  It's the combination of food, garlic, less air con, and many more things in the air... I don't like it.  That smell is soooo domestic.  You know.. that is the smell you can get when you visit your mom's castle a.k.a kitchen :(

So yes, I need to burn scented candle tonight.  Crap!!

tick tock

Just read online news about several researches on fertility.  One research said the older a woman to deliver babies, the more chance to give physical defect to the child.  And older man tends to trigger DNA mutation that can cause intellectual degradation to babies.  Oh one more thing, it is advised for women to limit pregnancy after 37 for the shake of babies' condition.

Crap!!! I only have 2 years left to make babies.  Should get pregnant next year *sigh*  Sperm donor is needed immediately, people!!

Science.. Bah!! :))

Menulis Di Pagi Hari

Akhir-akhir ini saya suka memulai hari dengan menulis apa saja di sini, tergantung mood saat itu.  Kadang-kadang diterbitkan, kadang disimpan untuk dipakai nanti kalau mood datang, atau dihapus kalau memang suasana hati sudah tidak relevan.

Hahahaha...sudah 3 kali dalam satu paragraf saya menyebutkan tentang mood dan suasana hati.  Ya, kalo dipikir-pikir menulis di pagi hari itu efeknya buat saya adalah menetralisir apa yang saya rasakan di pagi hari sebelum mulai masuk dalam suasana bekerja.   God help, I need someone to lean on :(

Saatnya Berbicara

Setiap saat aku berlatih memilih kata-kata.  Semua fakta kembali berputar di dalam otakku untuk membantu menganalisa kembali dan kemudian memformulasi pernyataan dan pertanyaan.

Tapi lidahku kelu setiap saat engkau kembali menjadi milikku.  Semua tanya dan keraguan itu hilang begitu membayangkan senyummu yang sedang terkembang.  Ah mungkin memang tidak pernah akan ada saat tepat untuk membicarakannya..

Aku hanya harus memulai, pada saat keberanian itu muncul.  Atau aku harus memejamkan mata sambil melakukannya supaya tidak ada keheningan beku di matamu yang harus aku saksikan.


Tidak ada gunanya menunggu momentum yang baik, ucapkan saja.. Bahwa aku lelah menunggumu di tempat ini.  Aku ingin ada di suatu tempat dimana aku bisa bernafas dengan lega.  Tempat dimana aku melihat harapan bukanlah sebuah beban dari rasa bersalah.

Dalam sisa waktuku yang ada, aku ingin menciptakan hal-hal yang membahagiakan.  Jika kau tidak sanggup terlibat di dalam kebahagiaanku, maka biarkan aku menempuhnya sendiri.

Coba Renungkan

Aku masih bisa mengerti kalau kebersamaan kita harus dirahasiakan darinya. Tapi kalau hari-harimu bersamanya pun harus tidak kuketahui, lalu apa bedanya aku dengannya?